Maybe is not a word
by Shieglr
Summary: Life may be black and white at the Goban, sometimes life away from the Goban isn’t much different either. Multi-chaptered with ShindoTouya, i.e. Shounen Ai.
1. Maybe

Summary – Life at the Goban is a sheet of black and white for Shindo Hikaru. When he meets an American Go player, he realises that sometimes, life away from the Goban isn't much different either.

Author notes – that Hikaru no Go and all other brand names or TM's mentioned do not belong to her and she does not benefit monetarily from this in anyway.

Author's notes – This is my first attempt at a multi-chaptered fic with a plotline – or something that vaguely resembles it. It's the beginnings of a ShindoXTouya fic, so if you dislike Shounen Ai or the pairing, then I suggest you **_do not_** read this. Again, this fic mentions certain aspects of American lifestyle, I am not trying to satirise the Americans not am I trying to mock them. I simply have never been to America and thus do not know what it is like in reality. If someone finds something wrong with what I have said about America then do tell me so that I can change it, any slamming of the country or Asians is not acceptable.

"_Speech_" in Japanese

"**Speech**" in English

'Thoughts'

Enjoy.

---

This felt nothing like a break to him. When Touya had suggested that they take a trip to New York for a short 'holiday period' (by holiday, he meant time away from the usual Go games), he had imagined busy streets, bookstores, starbucks and other simple pleasures of life. Sort of a change in scenery, you know, the 'great beyond!' But by change in scenery, he did _not_ mean a change in the designs on the door behind the player opposite him from a Goban.

Touya seemed to be enjoying himself; even though his English wasn't nearly as good as Shindo's was (he allowed himself a quick gloat). But then again, Touya was always enjoying himself whenever he was in a ten-mile radius of a Goban or anything Go related. Shindo has successfully managed to put him in a perpetually happy mood when he brought back a bag full of black and white m&m's to the hotel room the week before. Touya had been extremely curious ("Shindo, what are these?" "They're M&Ms" "What are M and Ms?") and they had even attempted to play a game of Go with them…until Shindo started to eat Touya's white m&m's when he realized he was losing. Then Touya had taken his revenge by being a killjoy and suggesting that they both go down to the Go parlour (as they called them in America) to tutor stupid little kids who thought Go was easy.

Nope, it wasn't a break at ALL. Touya's Go-obsession seemed further driven by the cocky remarks of some of the American Go players. And wherever his Go-obsession took him, he brought an unwilling Shindo along. And to think he had been looking forward to relaxing at all. He realized he should have known better where Touya had been concerned.

So today he had set his plan into motion, he had schemed and plotted and formulated plan after plan, until this evil plan had been hatched. Bwahahaha! Armed with his wallet, bag and jacket, he proceeded into the unexplored regions of the streets of New York. Leaving the room at five in the morning, when even an early

riser like Touya was still in bed, he hid out in the lobby until he decided it was safe to leave. (for he had read somewhere that New York wasn't safe at dawn or dusk)

Wandering aimlessly around, he ambled along till he reached a café to grab a cup of morning coffee. Sinking down into the comfortable plush seats of the café, he tilted his head slightly to catch a view of the city. New York was somewhat similar to Japan in terms of city structure, but the amount of people on the streets at this time of the day in New York was incomparable to that of Japan. He noticed that Asians tended to be much earlier risers than their western counterparts. He lingered in the café, enjoying the quiet and bittersweet aroma of the coffee. Soon after (or perhaps not that soon, as he looked at his watch) his peaceful thinking was to be disrupted by the quick population of the café by the morning crowd, all hoping to get a shot of espresso to give their still-fuzzy minds enough horsepower to plough them through the day. Downing the rest of his coffee in one go, and giving a polite nod to the girl who had served him, he quickly exited the café.

Carefully swerving his way though the vast amounts of people who were all hoping to get a cab to get to work, Shindo kept close to the magnificently decorated glass windows of the mostly unopened shops. He wasn't even vaguely surprised at the difference. Back home, a good half of the shops would already be open by nine, here, he could see all the pieces of paper stuck to the glass doors of the store proudly proclaiming that they opened from 11am-10pm. So he had to settle for looking at the curious displays on some of the windows of the shops, hoping to occupy himself until the shops would open.

Shindo had first caught sight of the place by the faint yellow glow of the neon sign above the faded shop name. From the outside, it looked shabby at best - about-to-collapse would have been more apt. The place looked like it needed serious repairs. However, the inside provided a distinctly different ambience altogether. The fading pale blue wallpaper was peeling in one corner, shelves that told Shindo that it was a second-hand bookstore were haphazardly arranged and the mahogany wood table with mismatching chairs was placed in the middle of the room. The musky scent of the books mixed with the tell-tale smells of a recently cooked breakfast hovered in the air, and combined with the constant tic-tic-tic-tic of the whirring fan, Shindo felt like he just stepped into an old-fashioned western country house. The place practically reeked of homey-ness and begged Shindo to pick a book, sit at the table, pretend to read and then fall asleep. And he was very very tempted to. What were even more curious were the titles of the books - they ranged from "Anglo-Saxon legends for your bedtime reading" to "Wiccan, Wiccan, Ha-ha-ha".

"**It's quite the interesting shop, isn't it?**" Shindo jumped at the sudden sound and turned around. He wasn't sure when the old American man had occupied the chair at the corner of the room. He nodded hesitantly and as if sensing his nervousness the other man laughed (though that served nothing more than make him even more wary).

"**Yes, it is.**"

"**You have an accent? You Asian?**" Shindo was surprised that the man picked up on his accent that quickly, his English was near perfect and his accent not at all distinctive. He nodded an affirmative. "**Korean?**" The man continued and though he was sitting laxly in his chair with his oval-shaped spectacles threatening to drop off the bridge of his nose, Shindo could tell (by the movement of his eyes) that he was carefully scrutinizing him.

"**No, Japanese.**" He corrected.

"**Japanese huh? I've never met a Japanese before, not at this time of the year anyhow.**" 'Not at this time of the year?'

"**I've never met an Afro-American before. Not many come to Japan.**"

"_Japanese are strange people, have a seat._" Shindo jumped once more, the day was proving to be one of firsts. Westerners usually don't speak Japanese very well, and even those that do sound funny. This guy could speak good Japanese, though his voice was gravely and made Shindo feel like clearing his own throat. He politely took at seat and set his bag down on the dusty floor beside the chair.

"_So what are you in_ **New York** _for_?"

"_It's supposed to be a holiday, unfortunately my friend is still caught up with playing Go here, if it isn't bad enough at home. And he drags me everywhere he goes._" Shindo laughed apologetically, thinking about Touya and his Go obsession. The strange man was…well, strange, but he provided a comfortable and relaxed aura and Shindo felt unperturbed talking to him.

"**You play Go too?**" The man asked, his eyebrow arched with interest. Shindo was puzzled at the switch to English and the selection of the topic. As far as he knew, Go wasn't a widely played game in the West.

"**Yes. Actually it's my profession.**" He admitted, half-worried that the man would laugh at him for having a profession that most considered a waste of time. On the contrary, however, the man seemed piqued with the discovery. "**Do you play Go?**"

"**Yeah, Go is a very literary game to me, quite symbolic.**" The man got up from his chair and turned to open a door behind him. Shindo began to stand but the man waved him down. When the man reappeared again, he was carrying a Goban and two plastic containers which Shindo presumed contained the Go-ke.

"**Symbolic?**" He ventured. "**That's quite an unusually way to describe Go. I've heard of '**_stupid_**', '**_confusing_**', '**_unholy_**' even, but symbolic?"**

"**Yes, here, take a look.**" The man set two Go stones on the Go-Ban, each on opposite ends of the board - one black and one white. Then he rapidly started to set stones on the Goban, as if he were replaying a match. However, all the stones he placed were white – and all of them were on the opposite side of the board from the singular black stone. "**This was what it used to be like. Black, white, either, or, you are either there or not. That's what society is like, some people try to complicate things, classify them or perhaps put them in the 'grey' area, but in the end, it's either 'yes' or 'no'. Humans always have opinions, they can say they are neutral, but in their minds they have their own opinions.**"

"**Or perhaps you may want to look at it in this way.**" The man began rearranging the stones again, this time adding black stones in equal number to the white. Shindo watched with patience as the pattern slowly formed. In all appearances, the game bore all resemblance to a relatively normal, well-played game. Then the man suddenly put a black stone down with a firm 'pachi' that rang of finality. Shindo was surprised at the hand. It didn't seem to have any effect on the game played at all; it would seem like a very reckless thing to do, playing a stone where it had no use. "**What do you make of this hand?**"

"**It's not the normal thing to do, certainly, it would have been best to put here instead, for the defence of this group of stones.**" The man set one more stone down.

"**What about now?**"

"**Well, naturally the player would counter there, but why so? The white has the upper hand here and here, but wouldn't be setting the stone here be pointless?**"

"**That's what you think. Now how about this.**"The man started to add more stones.

"Ah…" Shindo trailed off. The hand earlier was a brilliant hand, if may have had no apparent use at first, but now its position was crucial in the game. It was very brilliant.

"**Apparently, you've already thought of it. It's quite brilliant, no normal player would have thought of this hand. I surrendered after three more turns.**" The man set three more stones down. "**What I'm saying is that, once you know what the outcome is, it is apparent what the stone was for. It's like the stone is trying to tell you something, except you don't know what it is yet and only until later do you realize it and by then it is too late. So Go is like hearing what the stones are saying and acting on it, there is no such thing as 'holding back' in Go. It's the same as before, either you do it…**"

"**Or you don't.**" Shindo finished slowly.

"**Yes, it's either this or that. Maybe some things have an in-between, but most do not. It's a black and white world, **_Nihon-Jin_**, and no one can change that. If you want to do something, go do it. And right now, you want to play a game with me because you are wondering how strong an opponent I am.**" With that, the man began to sort out the black stone from the white and placed them back in their respective containers, handing one to Shindo.

"_Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu_"

The man's skill was nothing spectacular, but he had the oddest method of playing, it was haphazard yet orderly at the same time. Shindo could hardly predict his moves at all, sometimes even having to fall back on his intuition to place a move. The man didn't actually seem to know what he was doing, but he always seemed to place the stone at the right places at the right times. He didn't know whether to be surprised or not when the man countered to the left instead of the right which he expected. ('Well, it was a matter of reverse psychology, since the man did unpredictable things and I expected him to counter to the left, therefore he would counter to the right. So in actual fact I expected him to both counter to the right and the left, but not to the right or left…this is getting too confusing') He was about to lay his stone down, until he saw another place where he could set it down – a very Sai-ish place to put it down. At once he was torn between what he should do.

'Onegai Sai, tell me where I should place it…' That's right, Sai wasn't around anymore, Shindo had no one to look to for guidance, no companion to sit behind him and give him soundless support anymore – a fact he desperately wanted to forget. He moved his hand, and set his stone down elsewhere, where Sai would have put. He sighed and looked down when the other sent him a questioning look, in truth, the man had wondered why Shindo had hesitated and then changed his mind. Shindo didn't want the game to continue, but he wouldn't surrender, time and time again, he would set his stones where he felt Sai would set them. He wasn't playing as himself; he was playing as Fujiwarano Sai, probably the most excellent Go player of all time. And so, with each stone he set, the game between The Strange Man and Fujiwarano Sai continued, even as Shindo didn't want to continue. Twelve minutes, twelve hours, twelve years, it dragged on. He couldn't really tell if which one it was, but the game finally ended.

"**I lose.** _Arimasen._" It took more than two seconds for Shindo to realise that the other man had conceded and already began to pick out the black stones from the board. He began to silently keep the white stones as well, face downcast and saddened; all this did not escape the notice of the other man. He quickly kept the Goban along with the containers and returned to the table watching as Shindo just sat there, uncertain of what to do.

"_Anou-"_ Shindo started hesitantly.

"**Who are you waiting for, why do you hesitate? Why do you play Go? Who do you play Go for? Why are you still afraid? No one will wait for you, nor do you have to wait for anyone. Go and conquer your fears, go and conquer the world of Go **_Nihon-jin_." The man interrupted, giving Shindo a mysterious half-smile. Shindo was momentarily stunned by the words, cryptic questions and equally cryptic answers, but he recognised the simple meaning behind it all.

Either **YOU** do it, or you don't.

"_Hai, domo arigato. _**I'll be leaving now**." Shindo smiled and nodded in understanding. He pushed his chair back, picked up his bag and took one last look at the strange man and left the shop. The man returned to his reading. Names were always important, if you forget your name, you forget who you are, names were always important, but the name itself was inconsequential. This man had many names, had lived many summers, saw many things and had many friends… and he once had a friend called Fujiwarano Sai. That day, he felt his friend sitting across him.

---

Thinking wasn't a leisure activity that Shindo chose to indulge in often, most of the thinking he did was at the Goban or in the classroom (if he felt like it) and he personally preferred spontaneity as a characteristic. But noontime – and lunch – found Shindo in a fast-food restaurant mindlessly stabbing at his uneaten fries, deep in thought and staring at the ceiling as if it would provide him with an answer. He wanted an answer to the question he didn't know. As the aimless and random chatter about him increased, he found himself unable to even grasp onto the concept that he was wasting time pondering an answer when he didn't even know the question. Shindo finally gave up and disposed of his slaughtered fries, mind casually pointing out that Touya – the ever intelligent Touya – would know what to make of the old man's words. He pause in mid-stride and grimaced, blanching at the thought of how Touya would scream when he finally found him.

'I forgot to leave him a note…shimatta, Touya's going to kill me.'

---

Most people, by nature, are impatient, they don't like to be kept waiting, nor do they like to be abandoned to their own devices if they have something planned. Despite being able keeping all pretences to having an impeccable personality, being able to remain unperturbed in the presence of people more than thrice his age and never seemed to get angry at anything (the yelling matches were more vocal training than anything else) - Touya was actually a very impatient person. Some half-brained reporter had once commented that he seemed to have endless patience when he spent four hours waiting for an opponent to show up, that had merely been courtesy. Under different circumstances, his behaviour would range from nonchalant (to things he didn't really care about) to worried/irritated (if the situation warranted it) to extremely angry (when he already knew it was bound to happen). Somehow, not to his surprise or amusement, all things related to Shindo's acquired punctuality problem ended up being categorised under the third category. Needless to say, Touya Akira wasn't exactly the happiest person on Earth right then.

Barely being able to keep the expletives out of his muttered speech, he figured out that the most logical strategy was to wait. 'Surely Shindo would not be so stupid as to forget to come back here by nightfall.' He reasoned with himself as he guessed that the best course of action at the moment would be to go down to one of the hotel restaurants to feed his increasingly disagreeable stomach. He took the elevator down (absentmindedly re-reading the advertisement on the lift wall that said that there 'will be a Go convention held on the Twelfth of December, Two thousand and four, if any Go players can attend it would be very delightful thank you very much.') to the first floor lobby which provided excess to the restaurant section of the building…and very conveniently missed seeing the very same Shindo Hikaru he had been agonizing over earlier enter the other lift.

---

Shindo jabbed at the elevator buttons, forcing himself to _not_ hit the buttons that would send him to floor sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four and so on and so forth. A childhood passion of his had been to hit every button of the lift from the floor he had to get off at until the very top floor – ridiculous but fun. As the lift began its slow assent (something he was grateful for to buy time) he began to find possible excuses he could excrete to prevent him from being yelled at; Touya was not unknown for his explosive temper to those who have ever felt his wrath.

'I decided to get a cup of coffee and I got lost' wouldn't cut it because Touya knew that he knew perfectly well where Starbucks was. 'I needed a bit of fresh air and decided to go for a walk, but I forgot to leave you a note,' would not explain why he spent the whole morning out. He went through half a dozen excuses (even 'I was kidnapped' pranced across his mind for a moment) before settling on 'I wanted to get something nice for breakfast but I forgot the time. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.' It wasn't the best of excuses, but it was marginally passable and Shindo was _really_ hoping that Touya would not rant and rave excessively.

Inhaling and exhaling what Shindo hoped wasn't his last breath, he slid the card key into the slot and heard the door unlock. He found it almost amusing that he could hear the classic – not to mention cheesy – horror flick music in the background as he entered the room…to realise no one was in it. After acknowledging that no one was indeed in the room that they both shared, he automatically assumed that Touya had given up on his and went to a Go parlour or convention. What he didn't realise what that Touya never went to any Go Parlour or Convention without his suit ('such a stodgy person you are' he once commented) and said suit was hanging innocently in its case on the wall.

He sighed deeply and sat down on his bed, resigning himself to an afternoon of boredom. After a few minutes of staring listlessly at the wall, he decided that a bath would be in order, if it wouldn't give him something to do, it would erase all the tension that had built up in his muscles in the morning. And it was probably about the same time he put on his clothes and exited the now-humid bathroom that Touya Akira stepped out of the elevator and onto the corridor the fifteenth floor or their hotel.

---

Touya always ate reasonably fast, especially if he had something to do, but he never forgot any of his table manners. The day he would slam his chopsticks down on the table would have to be the day that Shindo Hikaru disappeared without telling him and left him waiting for more than 'quite-a-few' hours, coincidentally, that day happened to be this day. The noise had prompted a few surprised stares from the rest of the patrons of the restaurant and one had even gone so far as to remark 'Such strange people nowadays.'

After a bout of childish stomping, he made his way back to the room to continue his anticipated long wait. He didn't really expect to have someone sitting on his bed, but he congratulated himself on not jumping in shock when he saw Shindo Hikaru poking tiredly at his pillow. When the other boy did not seem to notice the existence of the person who had just opened the door stepped in and closed it again, he forced out his words in as calm a tone he could achieve. What came out, however, was laced barely restrain anger and irritation.

"_Where.have.you.been?_" He allowed a small bit of amusement filter into the part of his mind which wasn't _that_ angry with Shindo when he saw the shock-turned-wince expression on his face as the other boy's finger missed the intended target (i.e. the pillow) and hit his foot instead.

"_Ahah…I wanted to get something nice for breakfast but then I forgot the time. I'm sorry I didn't tell you._" Shindo laughed sheepishly, praying that he wouldn't get killed. He did, luckily, have enough sense to stop laughing when he saw the expression Touya's face darken visibly.

"_Where have you been?_" The taller of the two repeated. The thinly veiled anger in his words did nothing to reassured Shindo, he knew that, at that moment, Touya would cheerful murder him and invite someone to play Go on his grace.

"_I told you, I was out getting a nice breakfast, but I forgot to leave you a note_-"

"_Don't lie to me, where have you been?_" The words were barely whispered and Touya's long fringe didn't hide the fact that his eyes were narrowed dangerously.

"Damn it Touya, do you know that when you suggested coming to New York, I didn't think you were suggesting going to New York's Go Parlours or conventions, in case you haven't noticed, those are two separate things altogether! I went out today morning because I wanted to see the New York outside a Goban okay?! I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but would you have let me if I did?" Shindo was trying his best not to shout, but the exasperation at Touya was showing clearly in his words.

Touya sighed and rubbed his temples, trying to keep the on-coming headache at bay. He moved from the door to his bed and plopped down ungracefully next to his fellow Go player and friend. The words that next came out of his mouth greatly surprised the both of them.

"_Did you know how worried I was?_"


	2. Perhaps

Summary – Life at the Goban is a sheet of black and white for Shindo Hikaru. When he meets an American Go player, he realises that sometimes, life away from the Goban isn't much different either.

Author notes – that Hikaru no Go and all other brand names or TM's mentioned do not belong to her and she does not benefit monetarily from this in any way.

Author's notes – This is my first attempt at a multi-chaptered fic with a plotline – or something that vaguely resembles it. It's the beginnings of a ShindoXTouya fic, so if you dislike Shounen Ai or the pairing, then I suggest you **_do not_** read this. This was written over the span of my new school term, so the style may have changed a little from the last chapter. I am deeply sorry that I have taken so long to update this fic. To those who have been waiting (though I notice that is 'not very many') here is chapter two, at last. Finally, to make up for the extremely long wait, I hope to post Chapter Three in one to two week's time.

Enjoy.

-

For a few minutes, the both of them sat in tense silence; Touya was not willing to speak before Shindo did, Shindo still not believing what the taller boy had said.

"What?" Shindo all but exclaimed after a while. He was half flattered that his friend would be so worried about him, but also half irritated that the other seemed not to think that he could take care of himself. 'Such impudence, if it's going to be anyone who'll get into trouble, it would be him with his oh-look-I'm-so-rich clothes and fragile -feminine- features.' He grumbled mentally.

"I was worried that something happened to you, New York isn't like Japan."

"So I noticed." He commented dryly, reflecting back on his observations earlier on in the day. "Does that make a difference?"

"Yes." Touya muttered, speaking as if he were reprimanding a young child (which he deeply felt that Shindo was behaving like). This was accompanied by a few moments of silence before Touya spoke again. "Shindo, I am your friend am I not?"

"Obviously." Shindo wondered vaguely where the conversation was going, though he was glad that anger seemed to have evaporated from the other boy. That meant he could keep his life – and sanity.

"Is it not normal that a person should worry if his friend suddenly decided to disappear? In unfamiliar surroundings nonetheless." Touya pointed out matter-of-factly. Shindo conceded grudgingly that Touya was right, but also had to restrain the urge to point out that the surroundings were only unfamiliar because Touya's internal map reading systems had decided that it would only recognise Go-related things.

"I suppose." He admitted, not actually wanting to acknowledge that he was the one who was in the wrong. He sighed and subtly looked at Touya out of the corner of his eyes. He was surprised to note that the boy looked more tired than anything else. With eyes closed and shoulders sagging as if under some tremendous weight, he appeared as if he had not slept in days. A pang of regret shot through him as he realised that he must have cause Touya quite a fair bit of panic that morning.

Touya adamantly kept his mouth shut.

"I'm sorry." Shindo finally said. Being the stubborn fool he was, he usually hated apologising, but this time was an exception – one he was willing to make for the sake of his friend.

"I know." The short and terse reply came. He frowned at what he felt was a condescending statement; Touya always had a habit of offending others through his tone. (Shindo bet he thought it was funny) A glance at Touya quickly told him otherwise, he wasn't purposely being offensive or smug, in fact he probably felt too tired to even -care-.

The silence dragged.

When Shindo would look back on this moment years later, he would have realised that it should not have been this way. Their silence was neither tense nor companionable, it was just _empty_. Shindo knew that Touya had never been one to speak unless spoken to - he was waiting and just waiting for Shindo to open his mouth. They both wanted to speak, but did not know how to phrase their words, nor when to say them.

And the silence kept dragging.

If neither of them had spoken, Touya would have remembered the day bitterly when he was an adult; and he would have damned the very ideas of 'courtesy' and 'manners' to hell. If neither of them had spoken then perhaps that way would have been the end of their friendship.

Shindo spoke.

"You look tired," this earned a nod from the other. "Are you alright? Perhaps you should have some rest." He ventured. The situation was a far cry from the time that the three of them had been preparing for the Hokuto-hai two years back. He remembered speaking the same three words – You look tired. That time, the boy had taken it to heart, his sleepy expression immediately turned into irritation and he had retorted with a "who told you I was tired!" The situation hadn't gone very well from then.

If he could illicit a response as –weak- as a nod… Shindo began to inquire about what Touya had done that caused him such exhaustion. But a glance sideways did not reveal anything that the light thud on his shoulder had not. Touya's body had leaned slightly against Shindo's and his head rested lightly on the other boy's shoulder - the gentle rise and fall of his shoulders betrayed the fact that he was sleeping soundly. He sighed once more, the question dying on his lips, and carefully rearranged Touya's body to a more comfortable position on the bed, pulling the blanket to cover his torso.

He felt like a mother taking care of her sick child.

After making sure his friend was comfortable, he turned and made his way to the glass doors that led to the balcony. Placing his palm flat on the cool surface of the glass, he fixed his perplexed gaze on the busy streets below him. The muffled sound that managed to make its way past the glass doors did nothing to help calm him down. On the contrary, the normally soothing noise of chatter put him in an even more confused state.

He eventually chose to go to bed, as the temptation of a soft bed won him over –and as his legs numbed from the long period of standing still. As he was falling asleep, the real question he wanted to ask was-

_Why had Touya been –_that_- concerned about him? _

-

"Waya! Hai, hai, we'll be coming back to Japan in three days. Touya says he still has a few things to check out before he wants to go…Yeah! It's brilliant here, you won't guess what kind of shops I've been to!...Of course I bought something for you and Isumi-san!...Mou! I'm not that cheapskate Waya! Not like you!...Yes you are!...Hahaha, have fun then, tell Isumi-san that I said 'hi'…Ja ne!" Shindo sighed as he put down the phone.

Using Touya's regular go obsession as an excuse had been rather cheap, (though equally devious if he said so himself) but he really didn't think that the other boy was in any state to do anything but stare at the floor. He didn't know that his disappearing act would have such a big impact on Touya, if he had, he wouldn't even have disappeared in the first place.

But seriously, the other boy was really worrying him. He _hated_ seeing people sad, that meant that he couldn't be _happy_, because if he were to be _happy_, that would make the other person even sadder. He really **hated** seeing people sad.

Damn it.

-

It had been exactly four hours, eight minutes and fifty-six seconds since he started staring at the wall. (No, make that four hours, eight minutes and fifty-seven seconds.) He hadn't been counting, but watching the arms of the clock move had proved a sufficient distraction for him from the boy that was pacing in the room at that moment.

He may have seemed as if he had been rather dazed for the past four hours or so, but in reality, he was more aware about the things happening in the room. For instance, he knew that he was brooding silently on the bed while Shindo was pacing continuously and trying to get him to move. He was enjoying it, to tell the truth.

Shindo was showing extreme amounts of concern towards him, though he knew that half of it came out of the fact that he felt that Touya's current state was his fault. It was. He had been rather shaken that morning to wake up and discover that his friend was missing. Yes, friend.

He supposed he could have been wrong about the concept of friend, seeing that he never really had a real one. Acquaintances he had plenty of; being a professional Go player naturally meant that you were forced to have a social life. Although he may have had found friends in the older members of his father's study group such as Ashiwara-san. (He wasn't all too sure about Ogata-sensei, who he felt looked more like a criminal than anything)

That, however, didn't mean that he couldn't fall back on the dictionary definitions of 'friend'. He felt that he hadn't hit too far off the mark by calling Shindo a friend. If he hadn't remembered wrongly (he would have felt insulted if someone said he had), a 'friend' was someone whom you know well and regard with affection and trust.

Shindo was someone he knew well, at least marginally better than most of his acquaintances. But the category of 'affection and trust' would have just fallen wide of Shindo. He wouldn't trust Shindo with many things, namely 'to-show-up-on-time', 'to-shut-up', 'to-not-offend-other-people' and most of all 'to-act-normal'. He trusted him more to the extent of 'if-you-said-you'd-do-it-you-would' (with the exception of being punctual).

And he didn't even want to think about showing affection to Shindo.

-

It felt good to be back in Japan. In a familiar place.

And he took that back once he heard a bunch of pre-pubescent female humans start to shriek and point and mob Touya. It was good to be home, but not good to be home with a few dozen girls stepping on your feet and flicking their hair into your face. He suddenly felt the need to go somewhere quiet to sit down.

"Oi! Shindo!" A hand reached through the crowd of females and grabbed him by his sleeve, successfully yanked him through the crowd – thus abandoning Touya in the middle of very many of his fangirls. Somehow, he didn't feel even one bit sorry for the other boy - perhaps it was his vindictive nature coming back.

"Waya! Isumi!" He half-exclaimed in greeting (also ignoring the desperate looks Touya was sending hopefully in his direction) and gave Waya a friendly punch on the shoulder. He was rather disgruntled to find that Waya had grown another two inches, effectively making him feel very small. Waya, knowing what he was so irked about and shot him a cheeky grin, and he retaliated by turning to Isumi.

The smile that usually was on his face was displaced by a look of displeasure when he saw the devilishly evil smirk on his friend's face. "Waya, don't do that." He admonished lightly. Waya turned the full force of his 'charming' smile on Isumi, and even Shindo had to laugh at the two of them.

That was the end of the actually-not-so-pleasant pleasantries and they began to swap tales of the past few weeks. Shindo found out that Waya and Isumi were planning to go to China once more to meet Yang Hai, Zhao shi and Le Ping. ('I can't believe I actually like that little brat!')

"Maybe next time I'll go to Korea to visit Hon Suyon and maybe play a game with Ko Yeung Ha." Shindo muttered thoughtfully.

"There's going to be another Hokuto-hai soon isn't it? I heard the organizers were planning to move it up this year due to requests from both China and Korea."

"Both you and Touya are confirmed team members right?"

"Yeah, because we were in both the previous Hokuto-hai, Touya mentioned something about the selection being sometime soon. Too bad, Ko Yeung Ha's too old to participate anymore, maybe he'll follow Hon Suyon over?"

"Eh, Shindo, I think you better go rescue Touya from his fanclub if you want him alive and well to play in the Hokuto-hai."

It wasn't too tough for Shindo to pull Touya from the girls, though it did earn him a few glares and curses. His look wasn't murderous or anything of the sort, but the normally reserved and polite Touya Akira certainly felt like punching someone in the face right then – so he did. And the nearest person happened to be Shindo.

Shindo (extremely luckily) had enough experience to dodge and grab Touya's arm. "You're a bastard Shindo, you know that." He muttered in irritation.

"I know, thank you very much." Shindo did his best to send a saccharine smile at Touya.

"Shut up."

-

Lunch would have been just perfect, if Waya hadn't been trying to kill Touya with the non-existent laser beams that came out of his eyes. His distaste for the other boy hadn't eroded with time, on the contrary, it had grown a fair bit.

Touya noted all this with a certain amusement. As far as he knew, he hadn't really given Waya any other reason to hate him, unless Shindo had gone on and whined about him to his friends. He knew that Waya was fiercely protective of Shindo (to which he had nothing to say) because he didn't have any siblings, so he sort of adopted Shindo as his younger brother.

While he was slowly finishing up his pickles, he realized that it was the first meal he had in quite a while that did not involve any inane chatter. Then he picked up on just how many meals he had eaten with Shindo, the other boy absolutely loved to talk about the most meaningless things at the table. Such as how he was walking past the bookstore and he realized that the signs had changed from blue to black or how the birds were being particularly loud that afternoon (they always were).

He never realized that he was spending so much time around his rival. It more or less grew out of this insane urge not to share Shindo with anyone. He suddenly felt like he didn't want to allow Shindo to play go with anyone but him. It was ridiculous of course, he couldn't just _ban_ Shindo from doing what he wanted, could he? It didn't help that the thought of running to the top of the tallest building in Tokyo and shouting "Shindo Hikaru is mine! Keep yer grubby hands off him!" didn't horrify him as much as it should have. (What horrified him was that he was in fact contemplating it while he, unknowingly, was covering his rice into tomato ketchup) He was doomed to a life of mental instability, DOOMED.

While he consoled himself that he was indeed, a normal human being, unlike others he knew, a question surfaced. He considered it. And for his own life, he never understood why he was questioning what Shindo meant to him. It was obvious – rival (definitely), friend (perhaps) and…and? There was something lurking there in his mind, there was always an 'and'. Then he realized that he never knew what the end to that sentence was, and he didn't know what he wanted it to be.

-

Funny, he never realised that there were bonsai plants outside the Go institute. When he used to frequent the place, it was plain in design and architecture, no fancy ribbons or arcs around the place. But now there were two huge though albeit _hideous _things, no, _things_ placed on either side of the entrance. Whoever would have thought that the place would be decorated such! He vowed to chop the plants down the next time he went there (and also wondering whether he had a chainsaw at home) after standing outside the door in the cold staring incredulously at the mutant plants.

Going inside the institute proved a more challenging task than he imagined it to be. Once he placed his hand on the door handle, he couldn't motivate himself to move any further. The stupidest thing about it was that he did not even know why.

-

'_What does it mean to you?' _

_You are avoiding my question, as always. You look everywhere but at me, sometimes I speculated that you loved your shoes more that you did me. Perhaps 'love' is too strong a word to you. How would I ever know if you never told me? Sure, you said it once before, but now I'm beginning to wonder if you even really meant it them. _

_Now you're staring uncomfortably at the wall behind me, as if the stain on the wall interested you far more than I ever could. Was I only worth that much to you? I'm frightening myself with all my insecurities, but you're not doing anything to help alleviate them. I can see you shuffling your feet, as if you want to run away. Your hands are tapping at your pants, you are nervous, I can tell. _

'_It doesn't, doesn't it?' _

_Perhaps it is my fault - that I decide to turn and walk away. I can't think of anything other that how I was to maim you later. You didn't stop me, why didn't you stop me? I can only be angry and hurt. It's not about 'was it you or was it me?' at all, you know? _

_I didn't want to even believe what I was doing. _

-

Shindo lounged comfortably in the chair at the institute, huge, stuffed and a sensible shade of grey, they provided an excellent bed. He was happily falling asleep when a shadow fell _forebodingly _on him. He first coherent thought told him that something was blocking his light. (His first incoherent thought went along the lines of 'NGH.') When he forced his eyes open, he saw Touya - framed by the very light he blocked - standing cross-armed in front of his slouched figure, giving all the impression of being extremely impatient.

He knew he had forgotten something.

-

"You're an idiot."

"You've said that before."

"And"

"I was just mentioning it, why must you keep insulting me"

"Because you are an idiot."

He scowled and kicked the floor. He felt Touya was being annoying. "I am not."

Touya did not say anything. He smiled at his shoes, albeit sadly. He had his reasons.

-

Akira remembers; he remembers that before Go, there was nothing. He remembers when he was small, still groping around to find a foothold to step onto. Go had become that platform for him. He knows that Go has become everything for him - an addiction he himself cannot deny.

Even now, as he stares at the half-played Go game on the Goban, he realises that Go filled each and every aspect of his life. He places his stone decisively, because at the Goban, there is not word 'perhaps' for him. He knows what he should not do and he knows what he must do. Once he steps away from the Goban, away from the cloud he places himself on, the worldly indecisions and uncertainly will plague him constantly once more.

Go is the cave in which he hides in, quietly, silently and all-too-happily. From there he peers as what goes in beyond himself. However, he knows that all too soon, the peace in the cave would be disrupted and he will be left with nothing to cling onto. This is because Go , to him, is starting to translate to the one Shindo Hikaru, who has become someone that he has begun to fear very much.

-

He never smiles when he plays Go. His eyebrows are always furrowed and he never glances up, reflecting his degree of concentration. He stares, sometimes even angrily, at the Goban and I don't know what to think. As he waits for an opponent to place a move, he unconsciously plays with a Go stone with his long fingers. Sometimes, he looks sad - his gaze will be lowered to his hands and his fringe will cover his face, as is now. As he removes his hand from the Goban, I suddenly feel angry, and I need to ask him why. Since words do not construct themselves easily in my mind, I reach out and grab his retreating hand with mine.

His eyes reflect his bafflement as they snap upwards to look, no, stare questioningly at me. The Goban does not seem to exist anymore, and neither does my sanity, as I realise that I just grabbed Touya Akira's hand without any rhyme or reason.

And he's blushing.

-

_Touya smiled hesitantly at Shindo's effort to get him to be enthusiastic about the reception lunch. He had never liked those lunches, they were too much of a waste of time to him, furthermore, it gave the press many opportunities to corner and mob him - especially in a foreign country. Shindo's only argument was that the food would be good. Unfortunately for Shindo, the strange western food they were serving did not appeal very much to Touya. _

_"Shindo, if the people are going to stalk you, I don't think you will even reach the table. If they say it's optional, I'm not going."_

_"But there will be fooooooooood! And it would be impolite not to go! You're too polite NOT to go" Shindo whined, pouted and gazed hopefully at Touya. _

_"No."_

_"But"_

_"I think I'd rather stay here than step out there."_

_"But what about lunch"_

_"I guess I'll just have to starve, won't I" Touya felt rather amused at that. It was the first time he had let his strong distaste for media-press-stalkerpeople to get the best of him. _

_"Suit yourself, I'm hungry." Shindo marched out of the room resolutely, anxious to prove to Touya that reception lunched weren't as disastrous as they actually are. Touya himself sat down in front of a Goban in the room and was in the process of reaching for a Go stone when Shindo rushed back into the room and slammed the door with vehement force. _

_"You know what? I think I'd rather stay in here with you." Shindo muttered as he made a point about locking the door. "I don't think it's madness out there, but it comes pretty close to that." Touya smiled all-knowingly at Shindo. To him it meant 'I-knew-you'd-regret-going-out-there.' But as far as Shindo was concerned, it meant 'You-dumbass-now-you-know-I'm-alway-right.' (But he realised that Touya wouldn't knew what 'dumbass' meant, so he replaced it with 'idiot'.) _

_An hour later, Touya was happily demolishing his unfortunate opponent at internet Go and Shindo was equally happily snickering in the background. This was to be the exact time that Isumi would choose to return to the room. The sudden knock at the door greatly surprised Touya, who spun his swivel chair around and in the process knocking Shindo to the ground. ('Oomph!')_

_"Are you two doing something in there" Isumi's voice sounded through the door._

_"No." Shindo replied while glaring at Touya, who was helping him up. Touya suddenly decided that he didn't want to be helpful and let go. ('Oomph!') Touya smiled. _

_"...Then why is the door locked"_

_Touya did not know why, but he blushed. _

-

Shindo remember the first time he had seen Touya blush. The long-haired (shoulder-length, anyhow) boy already looked like a girl, when he blushed he completed the look of a shy schoolgirl (albeit one with no chest and had the figure of a stick). He had not snickered and just then, for some reason he could not fathom, he did not laugh.

Right then, Touya had lowered his eyes and pulled his hand away from Shindo's. Shindo let him, but a tinge of disappointment ran through him as he did so. There were so many questions that Touya had no answered. He wondered why. They may not have agreed on many things, but there was something there that he did not understand. He did not understand why Touya was hesitating to answer any of his questions.

-

Touya stood up slowly - he was shaking quite terribly - pushed his chair back into place and was suddenly torn between sitting back down and walking away. He never walked away form anything. Indecisiveness washed over him as he struggled to pick on of the two choices. Eventually, he chose to walk away.

-

Shindo watched Touya leave with apprehension; he had the feeling that it would not be the first time that Touya would walk away. He was right. The next day, as he waited for Touya to attend a formal game, an official approached him and told him that Touya had flown to China to look for his father and had withdrawn, therefore not attending the tournament. He had also said that it meant that most of his games would then have to be rescheduled. But he wasn't listening to any of that.

The bastard had left him for China.


End file.
